These are exciting times at Whampoa Rangers with season 23 promising to be a potentially successful one for the club. After the flurry of transfer activity which dominated much of last season, a new buzzword has been, well, buzzing around Whampoa Field: "stability." This sense of security was obviously absent in season 22 as Bono worked the transfer market desperately to overhaul an aging squad in an attempt to avoid relegation from IV.1. His fearsome reputation grew as he sacked several players who formed the backbone of the club's most successful XV in history, leaving only Harry Forbes behind due to his vital role as an experienced hooker ("in more than one sense of the word," added Bono, leading to an almost unbearably uncomfortable silence in the press room.)
Pictured: How Bono handles the media.
Bono's legend only grew in the eyes of his new impressionable young players when, upon the arrival of a new signing, the manager fired the player he would replace immediately. So immediate was the action, in fact, that some of these exchanges took place in club car park. As one player recounted, the conversations were almost identical in their solemn and respectful tone, usually taking place like this:
Due to the popularity of big trucks among the squad and Bono's penchant for penis jokes, these conversations happened almost word-for-word every time a player was sacked.
The overhaul of the squad resulted in the average age of the squad dropping to "about twenty", said one club source, who, when pressed to prove this statistic, told this reporter to "piss off, I didn't take this job to do maths."
All this bodes well for the club as they attempt to clinch the bronze at the end of sixteen rounds this season. Bono insists that this is a realistic target.
"We have a decent enough squad this season to earn some silverware. Hopefully we'll hit at least 90,000 average CSR in the coming weeks, and fill up our new 12,250 capacity stadium to boot," Bono enthused, very optimistically.
Indeed, the club faithful will enjoy an upgraded arena this season. The previous stadium, with its admittedly annoying 11,343 capacity, will finally be replaced with one with nice, round numbers. The previous stadium was also annoying in that it never really attracted a capacity crowd last season, a problem that Bono hopes to remedy by building an even bigger stadium and claiming that low attendances were just "an in-game bug".
While Bono's management style appears completely random, he sought to assuage the multitude of doubts that fans had about his suitability for the role. Pointing to a diploma taking pride of place on his office wall, he claims that he understands "chaos theory and numbers and stuff", all of which provides him with the necessary knowledge to secure another .jpg of a bronze cup on the club page this season. When asked why the diploma had a "buy-one-get-one-free" sticker on it, Bono abruptly ended the interview.
All this bodes well for the club as they attempt to clinch the bronze at the end of sixteen rounds this season. Bono insists that this is a realistic target.
"We have a decent enough squad this season to earn some silverware. Hopefully we'll hit at least 90,000 average CSR in the coming weeks, and fill up our new 12,250 capacity stadium to boot," Bono enthused, very optimistically.
Indeed, the club faithful will enjoy an upgraded arena this season. The previous stadium, with its admittedly annoying 11,343 capacity, will finally be replaced with one with nice, round numbers. The previous stadium was also annoying in that it never really attracted a capacity crowd last season, a problem that Bono hopes to remedy by building an even bigger stadium and claiming that low attendances were just "an in-game bug".
While Bono's management style appears completely random, he sought to assuage the multitude of doubts that fans had about his suitability for the role. Pointing to a diploma taking pride of place on his office wall, he claims that he understands "chaos theory and numbers and stuff", all of which provides him with the necessary knowledge to secure another .jpg of a bronze cup on the club page this season. When asked why the diploma had a "buy-one-get-one-free" sticker on it, Bono abruptly ended the interview.
Pictured: Bono's preferred management style and preferred facial hair style.
Other than third-place in the league, the Rangers also look forward to going one better in the cup, with round five the target set by the manager. Additional goals include earning at least £ 1,000,000 this season to supplement the chairman's gambling addiction, as well as possibly promoting a few youths to warm the benches and buy Cornettos from the shop.
While it's still early doors this season, fans will hope that the Rangers succeed in their goals this season, as a stepping stone to making history as the first club side to win the World Cup in both rugby and football as well as the Olympic gold in figure skating.
While it's still early doors this season, fans will hope that the Rangers succeed in their goals this season, as a stepping stone to making history as the first club side to win the World Cup in both rugby and football as well as the Olympic gold in figure skating.
Bring it on.